The people-pleaser in me even struggles to publish blogs and show up on social media. Why? Because I ideally want to appeal to everyone, to fit in and say the right thing. Even the label ‘people-pleaser’ kinda makes me want to curl up in a ball because what if that offends someone? Showing up as myself can be difficult because people-pleasing is a deeply ingrained pattern of behaviour that for me, and I imagine for many others, develops in childhood.
I value being considerate and accommodating of others – that’s a valuable trait – but when it becomes chronic it can lead to self-neglect, resentment, anxiety and exhaustion. In this blog, I’m exploring the causes of people-pleasing, how to recognise it in yourself and how counselling can help others break free from these habits.
What causes people-pleasing?
People-pleasing behaviour often originates from early life experiences, personality traits, and societal conditioning. To name a few, some common factors that contribute:
Childhood conditioning
Many people-pleasers grew up in environments where their emotional needs were secondary to others. So this could include:
Having emotionally unavailable or critical parents, leading to a belief that love must be earned through being "good."
Becoming the emotional support for family members leading to the belief that you have to make others happy.
Growing up in a household where conflict was common, making peacekeeping a survival strategy.
Being in a family where one sibling required extra attention reinforcing a role of being the "easy" child.
Low self-esteem and fear of rejection
People-pleasers often feel that their worth is tied to how much they do for others. Fear of rejection, abandonment, or criticism can make saying "no" feel impossible.
Trauma and emotional neglect
Those who have experienced childhood trauma or emotional neglect may develop people-pleasing as a defence mechanism. If expressing needs led to punishment or withdrawal of affection, the safest option was to prioritise others at all costs.
Cultural and societal expectations
In many cultures, especially for women, there is a strong expectation to be accommodating, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. Over time, these messages become internalised, making people-pleasing feel like an obligation rather than a choice.
Perfectionism and over-achieving tendencies
People-pleasers often hold themselves to impossible standards. They feel responsible for ensuring everyone else is happy, leading to chronic over-functioning and burnout.
ADHD
Whilst some of these could also be considered for those who are neurotypical - people with ADHD, people-pleasing can be particularly pronounced. You could consider:
Many people with ADHD experience extreme emotional distress when they feel rejected or criticized (Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria). This hypersensitivity can lead to excessive people-pleasing as a way to avoid potential disapproval.
Impulsivity with ADHD can make it difficult to pause and assess before responding. This can result in automatic "yes" responses to requests without considering personal limits.
People with ADHD may struggle to tolerate the discomfort of disappointing others, pushing them toward people-pleasing as a way to maintain harmony and avoid emotional distress.
Many individuals with ADHD deeply value their relationships and may hyperfocus on keeping others happy, often at the expense of their own well-being.
Common signs of people-pleasing
Not sure if you are a people-pleaser? Here are some common signs:
You struggle to say no, even when you're overwhelmed.
You feel guilty when prioritising your own needs.
You agree to things you don’t want to do to avoid disappointing others.
You frequently apologise, even when it’s unnecessary.
You avoid conflict at all costs, even when it means suppressing your own feelings.
You rely on external validation to feel good about yourself.
You feel responsible for managing other people’s emotions.
You often feel exhausted, resentful, or overwhelmed but struggle to ask for help.
The impact of people-pleasing on your mental health
While people-pleasing might seem harmless or even beneficial in the short term, it has serious consequences for mental health:
1. Chronic stress and burnout
Constantly prioritising others can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion. The body remains in a heightened state of stress, increasing the risk of anxiety disorders and burnout.
2. Low self-worth
When self-worth is tied to external validation, self-esteem becomes fragile. People-pleasers may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure.
3. Anxiety and depression
Suppressing one's needs and emotions often leads to chronic anxiety and depression. Over time, a lack of authentic self-expression can contribute to feelings of emptiness and loneliness.
4. Resentment and relationship struggles
People-pleasers often find themselves in one-sided relationships, where their needs are overlooked. Over time, this can lead to deep resentment and disconnection.
5. Identity confusion
When life is spent catering to others, it becomes difficult to develop a clear sense of self. Many people-pleasers struggle with knowing what they truly want in life.
How counselling could help you overcome people-pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing is challenging, but counselling can provide invaluable support in the process. Here’s how counselling can help:
1. Identifying root causes
A counsellor can help uncover the childhood experiences and beliefs that shaped your people-pleasing patterns, allowing for deeper self-understanding and healing.
2. Building self-worth
Counselling helps clients recognise that their value is not tied to what they do for others. Through self-compassion and reframing exercises, they learn to appreciate themselves for who they are, not just what they provide.
3. Learning to set boundaries
Counselling provides a safe space to practice setting boundaries without guilt. You can learn that saying "no" is not selfish—it’s an act of self-respect.
4. Challenging negative thought patterns
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques can help people-pleasers challenge unhelpful thoughts, such as "If I say no, they will hate me" or "I must make everyone happy to be worthy."
5. Developing emotional regulation skills
Counselling can offer strategies for managing rejection sensitivity and learning to tolerate discomfort without resorting to people-pleasing.
6. Practicing assertiveness
Counselling can help clients develop assertiveness skills, allowing them to express their needs and desires confidently while maintaining healthy relationships.
7. Healing from past trauma
For those whose people-pleasing stems from trauma, therapy offers a space to process and heal from past experiences, empowering them to rewrite their narratives.
People-pleasing is not a personality flaw
…. it is a learned survival strategy. While it may have once served a purpose, it no longer has to dictate your life. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward change. With the right support, self-awareness, and practice, it is possible to break free from people-pleasing and build a life where your needs and boundaries matter just as much as anyone else’s.
If you recognise yourself in this blog and want support in shifting these patterns, counselling can help you navigate the journey towards self-acceptance and healthier relationships. You are enough, just as you are.
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